What does romantic love look like in 2015? One view is the line of same sex couples at the Jefferson County courthouse in Birmingham, Alabama. They were waiting to obtain their marriage licenses, and in some cases, to be married. A few weeks ago, The New York Times reported that Judge Michael G. Graffeo of Alabama Circuit Court, at times tearfully, officiated a civil wedding ceremony for Dinah McCaryer and Olanda Smith, a couple who have been together for seven years. Judge Alan L. King of Probate Court was quoted saying, “This is a happy day for all of these couples, and if you can’t be happy for people, then I’m sorry. If someone can’t understand the joy and happiness of others, then I don’t know what else I can say.” I think I’m in love with Judge Alan King of Birmingham Alabama.
Modern love comes in so many varieties that weren’t visible even 20 years ago. Here is one variety:
A man and a woman live together with her daughter from a previous marriage. They don’t want to be married. They are quite content with the arrangement and the woman’s daughter calls her father Dad and her mother’s partner, Bill. She has two male role models and one female role model. What a lucky girl.
Here is another look:
A married couple in their 70’s, Sally and Pearl, rent a condominium in Boca Raton for the holidays. They chose the condo because it is close to where Sally’s ex-husband lives with Cheryl, his longtime partner. Sally’s ex-husband has invited Sally and Pearl as well as their children and the children’s boyfriend and girlfriend, to spend the holidays together. Eight of them have Christmas dinner together and have a wonderful time.
Another face of modern love:
Two women live together, both of whom have been married before. One of their daughters lives with them one week and then lives with her other mother the other week. The other daughter lives with them almost full time as her other mother is working on the west coast. Both of these girls have a lot of male role models in their lives; one girl knows her biological father, or the sperm donor if you prefer, and sees him from time to time.
A more familiar face of modern love:
A young man and woman meet at college, fall in love, live together and after a few years, get married. They live in an apartment just a tiny bit bigger than this pulpit but it’s Brooklyn and they’re thrilled.
Modern love comes in all shapes and sizes and can be quite complicated when it comes to vacations and holidays. It is also no easier than it has ever been. A young woman named Liv falls in love with another young woman, Chloe, who dresses like a man, looks like a man, acts like a man. When Chloe decides she wants to have an operation and become a man, anatomically, Liv breaks up with her. “I’m a lesbian, I want to date girls!” she exclaims.
Boy can still meet girl, or boy, but all of the traditional rules concerning dating seem to have changed and no one seems to know what to do. So many of the encounters start online, which doesn’t give anyone any context or perspective. It can be downright bizarre.
Modern love includes polyamorous groups as well. If you are not familiar with this term, it means when more than two people are in love. Thus, two women and a man can have a Commitment ceremony and covenant with one another to be faithful to each person. This is something I used to think was ridiculous but the more I think about it, the more I think we all need more people in our lives who care deeply for us. I find polyamory too confusing and difficult for me personally, but I do understand how it could be appealing for some folks. In the movie About a Boy, the main character, a boy of 11 or 12, finds that living with his rather depressed mother isn’t enough. He wonders if even two is enough–“You need back-up!” he explains.
We all need back-up, no matter what our gender identity or sexual preferences. And we all need the right to love the way we want. There are people in Birmingham Alabama who are not pleased with the Supreme Court decision that found its state law banning same sex marriage unconstitutional. I am sure there were people who railed against inter-racial marriage when it became legal. But we are wasting our time if we think we can legislate love. You can’t help who you are attracted to. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, as if you were buying a couch, or a coat. Love is in the domain of the heart not the head, and thus is out of reach of most legislation.
There is a column in the New York Times called Modern Love; people are invited to submit essays on anything to do with the topic. The editor of the column recently wrote his own essay in which he laid out some of his findings after reading 1000s of essays.
“First, and most basic: How we write about love depends on how old we are.
The young overwhelmingly write with a mixture of anxiety and hope. Their stories ask: What is it going to be for me?
Those in midlife are more often driven to their keyboards by feelings of malaise and disillusionment. Their stories ask: Is this really what it is for me?
And older people almost always write from a place of appreciation, regardless of how difficult things may be. Their message: All things considered, I feel pretty lucky.”
This is in line with a friend’s description of a long term marriage. He is a psychiatrist and has been married for a very long time: “In the first phase of marriage,” he quipped, “there is nothing your spouse can do that you won’t find adorable and endearing. This phase can last a few months or even a few years. The second phase, which can last more than a decade, is when almost everything your spouse does is annoying. Finally, the couple enters the third phase, where everything your partner does is once again, adorable and endearing.”
Let’s hear more from Daniel Jones, the New York Times Editor for the Modern Love column:
“Love stories are full of romantic delusion, idealizing love to an unhealthy degree. But in the accounts I see, men and women delude themselves in opposite directions.
A woman is more likely to believe her romantic ideal awaits somewhere in the future, where her long-held fantasy becomes a flesh-and-blood reality.
A man’s romantic ideal typically exists somewhere in the past in the form of an actual person he loved but let go of, or who got away. And he keeps going back to her in his mind, and probably also on Facebook and Instagram, thinking, “What if?”
Finally, to circle back to where I started, Mr. Jones has some good news on modern love for same sex couples. He tells us:
“It has been remarkable to watch the evolution in stories I have received from gay and lesbian writers. A decade ago, their stories focused on issues of marginalization, identity, coming out, and of strains with family members. Within a few years, their focus had turned overtly political in the fight for equality and marriage.
Today, gay writers write about looking for love, marrying, starting a family, being a parent, even getting divorced. Sexual orientation that had once been central is now incidental. Which seems like a nice change.” (All quotes from Daniel Jones, New York Times, Style Section, Feb 5, 2015).
It’s nice and not so nice. It turns out that love is difficult for everybody. I bet even those polyamorous people fight over who is doing more housework and who hasn’t spent enough time with the kids. It is difficult to maintain and sustain and grow love, but it seems that most of us want to believe that couples do live happily ever after. Whether we are straight or gay or widowed or divorced, most of us have an optimistic view of love. Considering how much a broken heart can hurt, and how long it can take to heal, this speaks well of the human capacity to be strong in the face of sorrow. Or we are all deluded. Me, I am still holding out for that man who is going to sweep me off my feet, the man who will live with me until the end of my days, the man who will make this poem of Jane Hirshfield come true for me.
For What Binds Us
There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they’ve been set down —
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.
And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There’s a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,
as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest —
And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend.
Let us all have loves like this-let us be familiar with this black cord that nothing can tear or mend. But we need to remember that no one can save us from ourselves. No one can be there for us at every turn and for every hurt. In so many ways, modern love is no easier now than it ever was, notwithstanding that more people can enjoy it without fear of imprisonment, harassment or worse. A singular truth remains for all ages: Regardless of our romantic lives, we all need an inner life, a deeply sustaining spiritual life. This can look like a daily time for meditation, or yoga, walks in nature or at museums, time spent in the kitchen trying a new recipe. It can look like coming to church every week and being involved in one or more of the events or endeavors we have planned. It matters less what we choose to quiet our hearts and more that we choose something. If you are feeling lonely or disappointed or scared about the state of romance in your lives, you are still held in the embrace of life itself. You are important and valuable and, as Rabbi Rami Shapiro reminds us, we are all held in an unending love. May his words bring you lasting comfort and peace.